Tuesday

I had a long weekend. Monday was a holiday so I didn't have to come in to work. I thought about purging all weekend long but didn't do it except for the times I already blogged about. I went to lunch with my mom yesterday and went to the bathroom after. I stood in front of the toilet and stuck my fingers down my throat and then bent over but I couldn't go through with it. I just walked away. Last night we ordered pizza and bread sticks and soda. I ate 2 pieces and 2 bread sticks and a couple extra bites of each. I was stuffed. I kept think about going to throw it up but for some reason if someone else is around I just can't do it. I don't feel like I've got the hang of it enough (because I don't) to do it when someone is around. Even if I know that person does the same thing. So I didn't do it. Even after the wife fell asleep I thought about getting up and throwing up but I was so scared she would wake up and hear me. After laying in bed for a couple hours without falling asleep I moved to the living room to sleep on the couch. But sleep never came. I tossed and turned all night thinking that I was sure I would sleep better if only I were in bed next to my ex. What an annoying thing to think about. I fell asleep for a little bit here and there. Then I'm laying there staring at the ceiling and the wife comes out and asks if I'm ok. I say yes and she says the bed is much more comfy and I should come back. I say I will and she goes back to sleep. I stay there. Just thinking and staring. She comes out again and asks why I'm still up. I look at my phone and it's been an hour since she was last out here. I spent an hour staring instead of sleeping. I miss sleep.
She left for work and I tried sleeping in the bed. I turned the fan on. I took my clothes off because that's how I slept with my ex. I had to get up and latch the screen door in the back because it was swinging around in the wind and bashing into a rock making loud noises and making it impossible to sleep. Finally it was silent and I slept. For just over an hour. And then I woke up with no time to shower.
Grabbed a half eaten slice of pizza to bring with me to work for lunch because I'm classy like that and a cup of soda to drink on the way to work. I didn't finish it. I had a cup of coffee mixed with caramel hot coco while at work and found out it easily curbed the hunger of not eating breakfast. Although that feeling is wearing off quickly. I'll need that slice of pizza soon...
I was thinking earlier about my "research" of bulimia last week. I kept remembering that depression was referred to as a symptom of bulimia. That is so wrong. It is not a symptom. You don't go from being happy to throwing up and then being depressed because you're throwing up (or binge eating, or obsessively exercising). You go from being happy to being depressed to throwing up. Bulimia doesn't make you depressed. Depression is not a symptom. Depression is a cause. Being depressed causes you to think unhealthy thoughts like the ones I'm having that throwing up your food is a good idea. I know the thoughts are "wrong" or whatever but I can't help it. I don't feel the need to ask for help because I don't need it. I already know that it's "wrong" but it's not like I'm actually doing it. I keep chickening out. So no biggie right?
On top of all that me and a couple friends started our yoga sculpt class yesterday and it is no joke. I felt like death and today my legs are sore. Which is good. Maybe if the yoga helps enough I wont feel the need to purge so often...

I feel sad, lonely, tired, and gassy. Sounds like the makings of a great day huh?