Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Life
Missed yoga last night because I was sick. Might go to the gym after work to make up for it. We'll see how I feel. Haven't thrown up again. Life has been rude to me. Stealing my money and making me cry. Wife is going through a hard time and its hard for me to be there for her the way she needs me to be because of all the things I'm feeling and going through. I just want to get to the happy part of life. I know its not going to ever be good 24/7 but it can be good more often than it is now. I just want to feel real happiness again. I dont want to think about my ex. I dont want to hate my body.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I have not thrown up again. Because I haven't really been eating. Did I talk about yoga yet? It was good. My legs still hurt a little and the class was on monday. I'm excited to keep going, even though it was hard and I couldnt do it all I know that the more I do the more I will be able to do. I'm excited to see the changes.
Thats all I have right now...
Thats all I have right now...
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Tuesday
I had a long weekend. Monday was a holiday so I didn't have to come in to work. I thought about purging all weekend long but didn't do it except for the times I already blogged about. I went to lunch with my mom yesterday and went to the bathroom after. I stood in front of the toilet and stuck my fingers down my throat and then bent over but I couldn't go through with it. I just walked away. Last night we ordered pizza and bread sticks and soda. I ate 2 pieces and 2 bread sticks and a couple extra bites of each. I was stuffed. I kept think about going to throw it up but for some reason if someone else is around I just can't do it. I don't feel like I've got the hang of it enough (because I don't) to do it when someone is around. Even if I know that person does the same thing. So I didn't do it. Even after the wife fell asleep I thought about getting up and throwing up but I was so scared she would wake up and hear me. After laying in bed for a couple hours without falling asleep I moved to the living room to sleep on the couch. But sleep never came. I tossed and turned all night thinking that I was sure I would sleep better if only I were in bed next to my ex. What an annoying thing to think about. I fell asleep for a little bit here and there. Then I'm laying there staring at the ceiling and the wife comes out and asks if I'm ok. I say yes and she says the bed is much more comfy and I should come back. I say I will and she goes back to sleep. I stay there. Just thinking and staring. She comes out again and asks why I'm still up. I look at my phone and it's been an hour since she was last out here. I spent an hour staring instead of sleeping. I miss sleep.
She left for work and I tried sleeping in the bed. I turned the fan on. I took my clothes off because that's how I slept with my ex. I had to get up and latch the screen door in the back because it was swinging around in the wind and bashing into a rock making loud noises and making it impossible to sleep. Finally it was silent and I slept. For just over an hour. And then I woke up with no time to shower.
Grabbed a half eaten slice of pizza to bring with me to work for lunch because I'm classy like that and a cup of soda to drink on the way to work. I didn't finish it. I had a cup of coffee mixed with caramel hot coco while at work and found out it easily curbed the hunger of not eating breakfast. Although that feeling is wearing off quickly. I'll need that slice of pizza soon...
I was thinking earlier about my "research" of bulimia last week. I kept remembering that depression was referred to as a symptom of bulimia. That is so wrong. It is not a symptom. You don't go from being happy to throwing up and then being depressed because you're throwing up (or binge eating, or obsessively exercising). You go from being happy to being depressed to throwing up. Bulimia doesn't make you depressed. Depression is not a symptom. Depression is a cause. Being depressed causes you to think unhealthy thoughts like the ones I'm having that throwing up your food is a good idea. I know the thoughts are "wrong" or whatever but I can't help it. I don't feel the need to ask for help because I don't need it. I already know that it's "wrong" but it's not like I'm actually doing it. I keep chickening out. So no biggie right?
On top of all that me and a couple friends started our yoga sculpt class yesterday and it is no joke. I felt like death and today my legs are sore. Which is good. Maybe if the yoga helps enough I wont feel the need to purge so often...
I feel sad, lonely, tired, and gassy. Sounds like the makings of a great day huh?
She left for work and I tried sleeping in the bed. I turned the fan on. I took my clothes off because that's how I slept with my ex. I had to get up and latch the screen door in the back because it was swinging around in the wind and bashing into a rock making loud noises and making it impossible to sleep. Finally it was silent and I slept. For just over an hour. And then I woke up with no time to shower.
Grabbed a half eaten slice of pizza to bring with me to work for lunch because I'm classy like that and a cup of soda to drink on the way to work. I didn't finish it. I had a cup of coffee mixed with caramel hot coco while at work and found out it easily curbed the hunger of not eating breakfast. Although that feeling is wearing off quickly. I'll need that slice of pizza soon...
I was thinking earlier about my "research" of bulimia last week. I kept remembering that depression was referred to as a symptom of bulimia. That is so wrong. It is not a symptom. You don't go from being happy to throwing up and then being depressed because you're throwing up (or binge eating, or obsessively exercising). You go from being happy to being depressed to throwing up. Bulimia doesn't make you depressed. Depression is not a symptom. Depression is a cause. Being depressed causes you to think unhealthy thoughts like the ones I'm having that throwing up your food is a good idea. I know the thoughts are "wrong" or whatever but I can't help it. I don't feel the need to ask for help because I don't need it. I already know that it's "wrong" but it's not like I'm actually doing it. I keep chickening out. So no biggie right?
On top of all that me and a couple friends started our yoga sculpt class yesterday and it is no joke. I felt like death and today my legs are sore. Which is good. Maybe if the yoga helps enough I wont feel the need to purge so often...
I feel sad, lonely, tired, and gassy. Sounds like the makings of a great day huh?
Sunday, October 11, 2009
It's really begun
I don't really know what to think. I just got done looking up tips on bulimia on google. I googled how to be a better bulimic. Of course almost everything said don't do it, you'll die, it's terrible, blah blah blah. But there was one site with a whole list of things to do to make it all easier. Drink soda while binging. Drink a cup of water before purging. Stand up while purging. Am I really saying these things? reading these things? Doing these things?
Yes.
This weekend it truly began. Last night the wife and I had a couple guys over. I wasn't really into the guy at all. I mean he was funny and good looking but even with how high we were it wasn't enough for me to get over his annoyingness. I feigned a stomach ache but he kept trying. He never kissed me or anything but always seemed mad when I said I didn't feel good and didn't want to be touched. Eventually after trying to get him away from me...off my own god damn bed I ran into the bathroom and closed the door so I could pretend to be sick. I leaned over the sink and thought about how to get out of all of this. I really did feel sick but this guy was not getting it. The wife eventually came to the bathroom to check on me. She told me if I felt like throwing up then I should make myself. I should just get it over with so I could start feeling better and come back to hanging out. I closed the door and kneeled in front of the toilet. I stuck my fingers down my throat and held them there until something actually came up. I did it. I opened my eyes and looked in the bowl. I had really done it. And I did it again. I couldn't do it any more even though I wanted to.
This was before my research today. Now I know better. I should have been standing, not kneeling. I should have drank a cup of water before starting. I should not have brushed my teeth when I was done. Instead I should have rinsed with water and then mouth wash. But I didn't know better, and as I was brushing my teether that guy just opened the door and walked right in. He started rubbing on me from behind...saying he's glad I "got it up" because surly I would feel better now. He got very gropey. I didn't stop brushing my teeth when he rubbed my butt, or moved his hand onto my breast. I am pretty sure I rolled my eyes. I walked away from him. Left the bathroom and got a glass of water. I looked sick. My cheeks were flushed and my eyes were all red from smoking and purging. And he was still trying to grope me. Rub on me. Ick. I couldn't believe it. The wife noticed me not feeling well and told me I should go lie down. Shortly after I did her and the guys left. She dropped off gropey pants and went to eat with the other guy. While I laid in bed contemplating what had just happened.
Today...Today we had pizza, sunflower seeds, M&M's and rice with cream of chicken gravy sauce. Then the wife fell asleep and I went to mcdonalds. I bought and ate a double cheeseburger, a large fry, 2 of 3 cookies and some of an oreo mcflurry. And then I went to the bathroom and tried to get rid of it all. I didn't get all of it. Not by a long shot. But I got more then I have before. I'm getting better. Well, not better...More experienced? I dont know. I still don't know how I feel about this whole thing. I want to lose weight. I already am a binge eater. Why not add purging so I don't gain more weight? Yoga should start tomorrow...So I lose weight, tone up...and go back to normal. I don't have to stay bulimic. It's a temporary solution to a permenant problem. Isn't that the same thing they say about suicide? Great...that can not bode well.
I'm contemplating throwing up before taking my shower. But only because I feel like there is too much inside of me. Like if I burp too hard it will all come out anyway. Why not take control and get rid of the nagging feeling in my throat?
Yes.
This weekend it truly began. Last night the wife and I had a couple guys over. I wasn't really into the guy at all. I mean he was funny and good looking but even with how high we were it wasn't enough for me to get over his annoyingness. I feigned a stomach ache but he kept trying. He never kissed me or anything but always seemed mad when I said I didn't feel good and didn't want to be touched. Eventually after trying to get him away from me...off my own god damn bed I ran into the bathroom and closed the door so I could pretend to be sick. I leaned over the sink and thought about how to get out of all of this. I really did feel sick but this guy was not getting it. The wife eventually came to the bathroom to check on me. She told me if I felt like throwing up then I should make myself. I should just get it over with so I could start feeling better and come back to hanging out. I closed the door and kneeled in front of the toilet. I stuck my fingers down my throat and held them there until something actually came up. I did it. I opened my eyes and looked in the bowl. I had really done it. And I did it again. I couldn't do it any more even though I wanted to.
This was before my research today. Now I know better. I should have been standing, not kneeling. I should have drank a cup of water before starting. I should not have brushed my teeth when I was done. Instead I should have rinsed with water and then mouth wash. But I didn't know better, and as I was brushing my teether that guy just opened the door and walked right in. He started rubbing on me from behind...saying he's glad I "got it up" because surly I would feel better now. He got very gropey. I didn't stop brushing my teeth when he rubbed my butt, or moved his hand onto my breast. I am pretty sure I rolled my eyes. I walked away from him. Left the bathroom and got a glass of water. I looked sick. My cheeks were flushed and my eyes were all red from smoking and purging. And he was still trying to grope me. Rub on me. Ick. I couldn't believe it. The wife noticed me not feeling well and told me I should go lie down. Shortly after I did her and the guys left. She dropped off gropey pants and went to eat with the other guy. While I laid in bed contemplating what had just happened.
Today...Today we had pizza, sunflower seeds, M&M's and rice with cream of chicken gravy sauce. Then the wife fell asleep and I went to mcdonalds. I bought and ate a double cheeseburger, a large fry, 2 of 3 cookies and some of an oreo mcflurry. And then I went to the bathroom and tried to get rid of it all. I didn't get all of it. Not by a long shot. But I got more then I have before. I'm getting better. Well, not better...More experienced? I dont know. I still don't know how I feel about this whole thing. I want to lose weight. I already am a binge eater. Why not add purging so I don't gain more weight? Yoga should start tomorrow...So I lose weight, tone up...and go back to normal. I don't have to stay bulimic. It's a temporary solution to a permenant problem. Isn't that the same thing they say about suicide? Great...that can not bode well.
I'm contemplating throwing up before taking my shower. But only because I feel like there is too much inside of me. Like if I burp too hard it will all come out anyway. Why not take control and get rid of the nagging feeling in my throat?
Friday, October 9, 2009
Fail
Not such a good day yesterday. Mental break down in the morning. Work all day. Go home and asked the ex to come over and talk because of my meltdown. Cancel plans with a nice guy that I'm totally not interested in to meet with ex at my house. Tell him to move his things out and that he can't keep coming over and seeing me because it's messing with my emotions then backtrack and decide I don't care and he can still come over because I really do still love him and I want to be with him even if he is a big effing moron. Have amazing, awesome, great, perfect sex with the ex. He leaves. Tell the wife the coast is clear and she can come over to smoke and hang out. Change the sheets, put clothes back on, clean a little.
Wife gets to the house and we smoke and I eat. 4 pieces of toast. 2 with just butter and 2 with butter and cinnamon sugar. So good. Then have an ice cream bar. Nice and healthy.
The part that really makes it a bad day...Before I asked the ex to come "talk" I was home alone. No one there but me and my tiny little pet frogs. I walked into the bathroom and cleaned the toilet as best as I could, kneeled down in front of it and proceeded to stick my finger down my throat. Nothing happened. I gagged a little but nothing came out. Nothing. Maybe it's because I had only had a small bowl of Thai hours ago and it had already passed the point of return. Maybe I just can't make myself throw up. I'm incapable of being bulimic.
I've had the thought in my head for a long time now. A few years. If I just throw everything up I can still eat whatever I want while getting minimal calories. If I do that and do some body sculpting yoga I should be able to drop weight and tone up in no time...right? I tell myself it would be temporary. I know exactly how bad of a disease this is. I've had more then one friend go through this. I even did a report on the dangers of binging and purging in middle school. But now that I'm fat and uncomfortable with myself and single....I just want so badly to look good. I know there are better ways. I know the healthy thing to do. But I can't seem to make myself do it. At the same time....I really tried yesterday and nothing came of it. I know I'm going to try again. But it will be after a Burger King run or something. Not hours after my last meal because that just doesn't work. I wish I could honestly say that I'm never going to do it again. That I shouldn't even think about it any more but how can I? The thought is in my head. It really is about the power. If I can do it....if I can make it work....I think I really will be happy. Am I deranged? Possibly, but I guess that's how this starts.
So much for dieting. I've thought to myself before that I should be anorexic to lose weight but I know that starving yourself makes your body hold on to its fat stores and I can't help loving food. I need it. But lately I haven't been eating at all during the day and then binging big time at night. If I just cut out the binging....Or got rid of it....
I feel like I'm crazy but I'm really talking myself into this. I'm making it seem logical and right when I know that it is so wrong. The real problem is....I don't care any more. I just dont.
Wife gets to the house and we smoke and I eat. 4 pieces of toast. 2 with just butter and 2 with butter and cinnamon sugar. So good. Then have an ice cream bar. Nice and healthy.
The part that really makes it a bad day...Before I asked the ex to come "talk" I was home alone. No one there but me and my tiny little pet frogs. I walked into the bathroom and cleaned the toilet as best as I could, kneeled down in front of it and proceeded to stick my finger down my throat. Nothing happened. I gagged a little but nothing came out. Nothing. Maybe it's because I had only had a small bowl of Thai hours ago and it had already passed the point of return. Maybe I just can't make myself throw up. I'm incapable of being bulimic.
I've had the thought in my head for a long time now. A few years. If I just throw everything up I can still eat whatever I want while getting minimal calories. If I do that and do some body sculpting yoga I should be able to drop weight and tone up in no time...right? I tell myself it would be temporary. I know exactly how bad of a disease this is. I've had more then one friend go through this. I even did a report on the dangers of binging and purging in middle school. But now that I'm fat and uncomfortable with myself and single....I just want so badly to look good. I know there are better ways. I know the healthy thing to do. But I can't seem to make myself do it. At the same time....I really tried yesterday and nothing came of it. I know I'm going to try again. But it will be after a Burger King run or something. Not hours after my last meal because that just doesn't work. I wish I could honestly say that I'm never going to do it again. That I shouldn't even think about it any more but how can I? The thought is in my head. It really is about the power. If I can do it....if I can make it work....I think I really will be happy. Am I deranged? Possibly, but I guess that's how this starts.
So much for dieting. I've thought to myself before that I should be anorexic to lose weight but I know that starving yourself makes your body hold on to its fat stores and I can't help loving food. I need it. But lately I haven't been eating at all during the day and then binging big time at night. If I just cut out the binging....Or got rid of it....
I feel like I'm crazy but I'm really talking myself into this. I'm making it seem logical and right when I know that it is so wrong. The real problem is....I don't care any more. I just dont.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Hmmm
I just realized it's 2 (almost 2:30) and I haven't eaten a thing all day. I had that cup of milk on the way to work and then a co-worker brought me coffee (a delicious grande chocolate truffle espresso from Starbucks) and that's it. My stomach hurts, I have heartburn, and I feel weird in the head. Like....woozy. Light headed. Not good. I should have some food now. Small bowl of pad thai. That's my plan. I will NOT pig out tonight.
I will however go dancing to get over the ex feelings. Well not get over.....but ignore for another night.
I will however go dancing to get over the ex feelings. Well not get over.....but ignore for another night.
All bad
Yesterday was so not a good day.Today however I have had an epiphany. I think I may be lactose-intolerant. I realized I have a glass of milk every day and every day I am gassy and not to be all graphic I do end up in the bathroom a lot. On weekends, I DON'T have a glass of milk for breakfast and I'm not gassy! Why on earth has it taken me this long to figure this out?? Oh well, at least now I know. I'll cut my milk out and we'll see how my body reacts. I should be a doctor. Ha. Not.
So yesterday I had my milk protein thing, and then I had a small bowl of my leftover pad thai for lunch. And then another small bowl around 3. I thought about only writing about one of those bowls of pad thai but I know that this is supposed to be all truth and the truth is I'm a damn pig. I'm so disgusted with myself. Oh, let me continue before you tell me to not be so hard on myself. After work I went home and hung out with the wife. I had some sunflower seeds. We smoked. I tried so hard to fight off the munchies. I ended up making a grilled cheese samich. (hey, I hadn't figured out the lactose thing yet so gimmie a break here) It was delicious. Of course, when you're high everything is delicious. Then we watched tv. And decided to go to Burger King. Ugh. I got a cheeseburger, a medium fry, a large soda (that I didn't even half finish), a slice of pie AND a chocolate milkshake (which I did not finish). So I spent money I didn't have and ate food I shouldn't have eaten until I was uncomfortably full and of course I didn't do any kind of exercise at all yesterday. On the bright side the trip to Burger King was HYSTERICAL! We laughed so hard we were crying. It was good times.
On top of everything else, my ex was texting me last night. Asking to come over for some good good lovin. I want it. I want it bad...here's the problem. he's my ex. Who I am still madly in love with. And also the last guy that gave me some lovin left some extra ugly bruises on my assets if you know what I mean and I don't really want the love of my life to see those bruises. This ex of mine....
I had a mini meltdown this morning. I dreamt about this damn man all night long and when I woke up I missed him so badly. I started crying and didn't stop until I was dressed. And yes, I showered this morning. So that's a lot of crying. Somehow I managed to get some make up on my face and headed to work, with a cup of milk in my hand. Then I had my little epiphany and drank my milk anyway. Now I'm at work, being productive as you can tell from the fact that I'm posting this and I'm still clinging to the thought of my ex and deciding how I should tell him that I just can't have him in my life right now if he's not going to be with me. It's just too much to see him and talk to him and know that I can't be with him and it's only because he is a dumbass. I seriously hate this stupid break up thing. We were together for....our 2 year anniversary would be this month actually. He left me May 16th. I've been a wreck ever since. I just want to be normal again. I want to feel happy again. I know we weren;t together for a super long time but it was an intense, deep love. I thought he was the one. I thought we would be together forever. Now I'm alone and fat and I won't do what I need to do in order to lose weight and be happy with myself. I really need to get off my fucking ass and do what needs to be done. I just can't live like this any longer.
So yesterday I had my milk protein thing, and then I had a small bowl of my leftover pad thai for lunch. And then another small bowl around 3. I thought about only writing about one of those bowls of pad thai but I know that this is supposed to be all truth and the truth is I'm a damn pig. I'm so disgusted with myself. Oh, let me continue before you tell me to not be so hard on myself. After work I went home and hung out with the wife. I had some sunflower seeds. We smoked. I tried so hard to fight off the munchies. I ended up making a grilled cheese samich. (hey, I hadn't figured out the lactose thing yet so gimmie a break here) It was delicious. Of course, when you're high everything is delicious. Then we watched tv. And decided to go to Burger King. Ugh. I got a cheeseburger, a medium fry, a large soda (that I didn't even half finish), a slice of pie AND a chocolate milkshake (which I did not finish). So I spent money I didn't have and ate food I shouldn't have eaten until I was uncomfortably full and of course I didn't do any kind of exercise at all yesterday. On the bright side the trip to Burger King was HYSTERICAL! We laughed so hard we were crying. It was good times.
On top of everything else, my ex was texting me last night. Asking to come over for some good good lovin. I want it. I want it bad...here's the problem. he's my ex. Who I am still madly in love with. And also the last guy that gave me some lovin left some extra ugly bruises on my assets if you know what I mean and I don't really want the love of my life to see those bruises. This ex of mine....
I had a mini meltdown this morning. I dreamt about this damn man all night long and when I woke up I missed him so badly. I started crying and didn't stop until I was dressed. And yes, I showered this morning. So that's a lot of crying. Somehow I managed to get some make up on my face and headed to work, with a cup of milk in my hand. Then I had my little epiphany and drank my milk anyway. Now I'm at work, being productive as you can tell from the fact that I'm posting this and I'm still clinging to the thought of my ex and deciding how I should tell him that I just can't have him in my life right now if he's not going to be with me. It's just too much to see him and talk to him and know that I can't be with him and it's only because he is a dumbass. I seriously hate this stupid break up thing. We were together for....our 2 year anniversary would be this month actually. He left me May 16th. I've been a wreck ever since. I just want to be normal again. I want to feel happy again. I know we weren;t together for a super long time but it was an intense, deep love. I thought he was the one. I thought we would be together forever. Now I'm alone and fat and I won't do what I need to do in order to lose weight and be happy with myself. I really need to get off my fucking ass and do what needs to be done. I just can't live like this any longer.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Failing
I feel like I will never win. I want so badly to love my body and see it in prime shape but I just won't do whats needed. Went to ladies night after work last night. R bought brownies just for me. I had to eat at least one. I ate 3. And some bread with hummus and red pepper pesto spread. And some turkey. But thats it. Until I got home. And ate some air popped popcorn slathered in butter and salt. I feel sick just thinking about it actually. Today I feel on the verge of barfing at all times. I had my breakfast milk/chocolate/protien drink for breakfast and still have some pad thai in the fridge but I cant even think about that without feeling like I need a trip to the bathroom. I drank some water hoping it would make things better but it made them worse!
I'm terribly tired and kind of woozy. Jesus what if I have the swine flu?! I slept terribly last night. I got into bed with the wife (stop being a perv....we are just friends) around 11 and she fell asleep pretty fast but I just could not get to sleep. I kept rolling over and trying to get comfortable. Eventually I got up and went to the couch thinking that just maybe I needed to sleep alone to get some sleep. Somehow I fell asleep out there but I woke up every time I needed to turn over. When the wife woke up for work she came out and saw me on the couch. She tapped my shoulder and asked if I was ok or if I was mad at her. I have to laugh about it now. When I realized she wouldn't be going back in the bedroom I got up and laid in the bed. I set my alarm to wake me up at 7:40 instead of the 7:15 I usually strive for (but never attain). For that next hour I slept fitfully. Tossing and turning. Dreaming of strange, weird, wrong things I have never dreamt about before.
My alarm went off and I hit the snooze until it decided I wasn't going to get up and stopped going off. In the next 10 minutes I had the most fucked up dream I have ever dreamt in my entire life. I'm not sure how my brain came up with so much in such a small amount of time....but it kind of scares me. There was hostageness, dead bodies, running, strange scary men in a strange scary building in the middle of a strange scary field with all these people that I dont know. The last think I remember is hugging my phone and saying my phone means love to me. Which is sadly, very true.
Why am I having messed up dreams? Why can't I sleep? Why do I feel full even though I haven't eaten any food at all today? I'm gonna go ahead and assume it can all be attributed to my bad diet and lack of exercise. Can I maybe try working out and eating healthier? That would be great mmmmk?
I'm terribly tired and kind of woozy. Jesus what if I have the swine flu?! I slept terribly last night. I got into bed with the wife (stop being a perv....we are just friends) around 11 and she fell asleep pretty fast but I just could not get to sleep. I kept rolling over and trying to get comfortable. Eventually I got up and went to the couch thinking that just maybe I needed to sleep alone to get some sleep. Somehow I fell asleep out there but I woke up every time I needed to turn over. When the wife woke up for work she came out and saw me on the couch. She tapped my shoulder and asked if I was ok or if I was mad at her. I have to laugh about it now. When I realized she wouldn't be going back in the bedroom I got up and laid in the bed. I set my alarm to wake me up at 7:40 instead of the 7:15 I usually strive for (but never attain). For that next hour I slept fitfully. Tossing and turning. Dreaming of strange, weird, wrong things I have never dreamt about before.
My alarm went off and I hit the snooze until it decided I wasn't going to get up and stopped going off. In the next 10 minutes I had the most fucked up dream I have ever dreamt in my entire life. I'm not sure how my brain came up with so much in such a small amount of time....but it kind of scares me. There was hostageness, dead bodies, running, strange scary men in a strange scary building in the middle of a strange scary field with all these people that I dont know. The last think I remember is hugging my phone and saying my phone means love to me. Which is sadly, very true.
Why am I having messed up dreams? Why can't I sleep? Why do I feel full even though I haven't eaten any food at all today? I'm gonna go ahead and assume it can all be attributed to my bad diet and lack of exercise. Can I maybe try working out and eating healthier? That would be great mmmmk?
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
More of today
Lucked out for lunch today. Company meeting day means free food for the entire office. We had raspberries, strawberries, blueberries, carrots, broccoli, some angel food cake some cookies. I tried one teeny tiny bite of a cookie. I put one slice of angel food cake on a plate, topped it with all the mixed berries, a light drizzle of chocolate sauce and a squirt of whip cream from a can. It was soooo good. I know to lose the maximum amount of weight I can in the least amount of time possible then I have to cut out the things like whip cream and chocolate sauce...but I just coudn't help it! I had a few crackers too. I also mowed down on some broccoli and carrots with a little ranch dip. Pretty healthy over all I think.
Although right now I feel like I'm starving. My stomach has that deep empty feeling. Just on the edge of growling. How will I keep myself from eating my thai leftovers? I must keep working to distract my brain. I only have one hour left here and a phone schedule that needs to be hashed out. I can do this. I can make it.
Ready....
Set.....
GO!
Although right now I feel like I'm starving. My stomach has that deep empty feeling. Just on the edge of growling. How will I keep myself from eating my thai leftovers? I must keep working to distract my brain. I only have one hour left here and a phone schedule that needs to be hashed out. I can do this. I can make it.
Ready....
Set.....
GO!
Nope
Last night: Went home from work and my wife (Not really my wife, just my best friend who stays at my house A LOT) was there. We smoked a bowl and I had a couple cookies. We went out back so she could smoke a ciggarette and I brought my cookies. I took the tops off and threw them into the yard while yelling "I'm saving calories!!!". She laughed and we left to go see my mom. She took us to Thai food. I got Pad Thai and ate about a third of it, and some of my moms rice. And a bite of the wifes cashew nut chicken. But just one bite! We dropped my mom off and brought my pet frogs home. I watched tv, read magazines and ate a pint of ice cream. And the rest of the cookies. Damn it. On the bright side, all the sweets are now gone and I have no more to eat.
So far today: Woke up late....again. Wife rolled over and told me it was 8:08 (yes she rolled over to tell me. Yes, we share a bed. It's a large one and my house is a one bedroom so there is really no where else for anyone to sleep. No funny business goes on. Get your minds out of the gutter please. This is a gutter free zone.) I hopped out of bed, brushed my teeth, put on the same jeans I wore yesterday, a striped button up, a teal sweater and my leopard flats and headed out the door with leftover Pad Thai for lunch and a glass of milk with chocolate flavored protein stuff mixed in for breakfast. Should have grabbed a banana. Oh well. Today is company meeting day so there should be some healthy snacks around lunchtime. Thank god for that. Still feel gassy but not nearly as bloated as I was yesterday.
My goal for the rest of the day: Work. Shower. Put on something cute...maybe with tights. Go to my friend R's house for a little party and try not to eat everything in sight. Maybe get some exercize in somewhere. Like that's really going to happen.
I really do want to get up and go to the gym in the mornings. I want to have that time in the morning to think about what I'm going to wear and eat my breakfast at home and do my hair and make up. I've done it before. Gotten up early before work and gone to the gym. I love the way it feels. It's like having extra time in my day jsut for me. I don't have to worry about working out for the rest of the day. it wakes me all the way up. The drive to and from the gym gives me time to think about my workout. Getting up so early gives me the time to wake up properly, shower, think about an outfit, feel cute walking out the door. I get to work early which we all know looks good. I'm more chipper. The down side is I crash around 2. Even when I'm not waking up early and I'm not working out I still feel like I need a nap around 2. So I guess that would be the same any way. Is that really the only downside? No, of course not. The biggest one is actually waking up early. I can't even wake up on time. I'm not even waking up late any more. The only reason I've made it to work the last 2 days is because the wife has woken me up. What if she wasn't there this morning? What if she hadn't texted me yesterday morning?
Here is what I need. I need a real alarm clock to wake me up. One that isn't my phone hidden under my pillow. The wife will have to just deal with it going off at 5 am. I'm sure she'll understand. After all, the end result of this is going to make me happy. Problem....I have no money. Maybe the wife has a real alarm clock at her house....
This milk mix thing tastes disgusting today.
So far today: Woke up late....again. Wife rolled over and told me it was 8:08 (yes she rolled over to tell me. Yes, we share a bed. It's a large one and my house is a one bedroom so there is really no where else for anyone to sleep. No funny business goes on. Get your minds out of the gutter please. This is a gutter free zone.) I hopped out of bed, brushed my teeth, put on the same jeans I wore yesterday, a striped button up, a teal sweater and my leopard flats and headed out the door with leftover Pad Thai for lunch and a glass of milk with chocolate flavored protein stuff mixed in for breakfast. Should have grabbed a banana. Oh well. Today is company meeting day so there should be some healthy snacks around lunchtime. Thank god for that. Still feel gassy but not nearly as bloated as I was yesterday.
My goal for the rest of the day: Work. Shower. Put on something cute...maybe with tights. Go to my friend R's house for a little party and try not to eat everything in sight. Maybe get some exercize in somewhere. Like that's really going to happen.
I really do want to get up and go to the gym in the mornings. I want to have that time in the morning to think about what I'm going to wear and eat my breakfast at home and do my hair and make up. I've done it before. Gotten up early before work and gone to the gym. I love the way it feels. It's like having extra time in my day jsut for me. I don't have to worry about working out for the rest of the day. it wakes me all the way up. The drive to and from the gym gives me time to think about my workout. Getting up so early gives me the time to wake up properly, shower, think about an outfit, feel cute walking out the door. I get to work early which we all know looks good. I'm more chipper. The down side is I crash around 2. Even when I'm not waking up early and I'm not working out I still feel like I need a nap around 2. So I guess that would be the same any way. Is that really the only downside? No, of course not. The biggest one is actually waking up early. I can't even wake up on time. I'm not even waking up late any more. The only reason I've made it to work the last 2 days is because the wife has woken me up. What if she wasn't there this morning? What if she hadn't texted me yesterday morning?
Here is what I need. I need a real alarm clock to wake me up. One that isn't my phone hidden under my pillow. The wife will have to just deal with it going off at 5 am. I'm sure she'll understand. After all, the end result of this is going to make me happy. Problem....I have no money. Maybe the wife has a real alarm clock at her house....
This milk mix thing tastes disgusting today.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Today is bloat day
Something you should at least be aware of....I smoke pot. Regularly. I realize that this habit gives me the munchies and does not help me to be healthy at all but I at this point in my life refuse to give it up. I love it. I love the way it makes me feel and I know I still have control over everything while "under the influence" so I know that even though this may make my journey a little harder, it can and will work.
There is an article in the latest Marie Claire called "Stiletto Stoners" and it's all about successful women who kick back with a bowl every so often. The social stigma on pot is changing and I am ever appreiciative of that fact but I know a lot of people still look down on it. Yes, it is illegal, but have you heard of marijuana related deaths? Any? How about alcohol related? Ciggarette related? I have a full time job, a home, a car. I pay my bills on time (most of the time...), I clean my house (when I feel like it), I wear clean clothes and shower regularly. I am not an idiot, though I do have my moments.
Why do I feel the need to share this with you? It has a mega impact on my life as a whole. Last night my friend and I smoked and then I ate. A lot. I ate cookies, a pint of ice cream (Ben & Jerry's Phish Food....my FAVE!!!), some leftover rice and sweet and sour chicken, some more cookies, and some cinnamon sugar toast. WAY TOO MUCH! Thanks to this....today is a terrible day I feel bloated and sick. I feel like if I tried too hard to get a burp out everything is going to come flying right out of my mouth. My stomach...the lower part....keeps making all these ridiculously loud rumbling noises and I know it's not hungry. It's still trying to digest everything from last night and that piece of pizza I ate a couple hours ago is just sitting on top waiting. I am super gassy and totally uncomfortable in my own skin. This is not a fun feeling. Do you think some jumping jacks would help? Some sit ups? Maybe a lap around my back yard? How about not eating everything in my sight the next time I smoke? Now that, is a damn good plan. I can make this happen. I will become the person I want to be!
There is an article in the latest Marie Claire called "Stiletto Stoners" and it's all about successful women who kick back with a bowl every so often. The social stigma on pot is changing and I am ever appreiciative of that fact but I know a lot of people still look down on it. Yes, it is illegal, but have you heard of marijuana related deaths? Any? How about alcohol related? Ciggarette related? I have a full time job, a home, a car. I pay my bills on time (most of the time...), I clean my house (when I feel like it), I wear clean clothes and shower regularly. I am not an idiot, though I do have my moments.
Why do I feel the need to share this with you? It has a mega impact on my life as a whole. Last night my friend and I smoked and then I ate. A lot. I ate cookies, a pint of ice cream (Ben & Jerry's Phish Food....my FAVE!!!), some leftover rice and sweet and sour chicken, some more cookies, and some cinnamon sugar toast. WAY TOO MUCH! Thanks to this....today is a terrible day I feel bloated and sick. I feel like if I tried too hard to get a burp out everything is going to come flying right out of my mouth. My stomach...the lower part....keeps making all these ridiculously loud rumbling noises and I know it's not hungry. It's still trying to digest everything from last night and that piece of pizza I ate a couple hours ago is just sitting on top waiting. I am super gassy and totally uncomfortable in my own skin. This is not a fun feeling. Do you think some jumping jacks would help? Some sit ups? Maybe a lap around my back yard? How about not eating everything in my sight the next time I smoke? Now that, is a damn good plan. I can make this happen. I will become the person I want to be!
In the before time...
There was a fit girl. Not too skinny, not overweight. Just right. She could wear cute things, follow along in the new fashion trends (if she were so inclined), do active things like hiking and rock climbing without fear of looking like I shouldn't be there.
That was in the before time.
Today is the present. Today is 5 years after high school. Today I am overweight and unhappy. I don't like the way I look. I don't like the way I feel. I love shopping....but hate trying things on and finding out the things I love don't fit or don't look right on me or just aren't made for bigger women. I hate those stupid trendy stores in the mall that only serve to sizes 12 and under (if they even go that high). I hate the cute trends that I just can't participate in because I am simply too big for it to be flattering in any way (leggings as pants? Not with these cottage cheese thighs. Bangles? Not on my fat wrists.).
I want to be truly happy with myself. I love my personality and sometimes I even like the way I look. More often then not however, I hate my body. I have weird scars from when I was a baby that make my sides lumpier than they should be. My stomach is HUGE. My legs are thick, and not in a cute dancer kind of way. My arms are so jiggly it makes me sick to look at sometimes. Let's not even get started on the amount of stretch marks I've "grown" since my high school days and this double chin has got to go! Being happy with myself means other things have to change too. I need to pay off my credit card, move into a bigger space, save money, get health insurance, do something with my massive collection of shoes...
Why am I going on and on about the things I hate? I want to make it better. I want to love who I am all the way through. From my head down to my toes. I need to get my life in order and I want to do it right. I want to help others that feel the same way, or even just similar, if I can. That is why I decided to blog through it. Maybe it will help me feel more responsible to myself or something. Maybe it will be a good outlet for me to let off steam when things don't go my way. We all know that things are going to go wrong. Not because I am dooming myself, because it's life and things go wrong and it's a diet, and we all fall off the bandwagon from time to time.
Actually, let me clarify. I'll be calling it a diet and yes the name of this dandy blog is The Real Life Diet, but it's not a diet. It is a lifestyle change. It is me making better choices every day because I need to. In order for me to actually be happy with myself, I have to do this.
This is real. I am a real person documenting the real trials and tribulations of getting on track with being healthy. I need to know it can be done and the only way for me to do that is to DO IT. I know it can be done because others do it all the time. There are many inspirational bloggers out there going through the struggle right now, or have been through it and continue to live healthy fulfilling lives. That's not enough for me though. Inspiration is great but it's just not enough to keep me going. I've been needing this for so long and I know all of the things I need to do, I just don't.
My plan is to exercise daily at least a little bit. Eat healthier foods every day. Be honest with you about what I'm up to. This is going to be real. I am not going to leave out anything. This is going to be hard for me. I love chocolate. I need it in my every day life...but I can't have it like I want it. I don't like to get up in the mornings but I need to because it really is the only time I have open to go to the gym.
How about I stop rambling and get down to business?
Today, I had a banana on my way out the door. I woke up at 8:19. I'm supposed to leave the house at 8:10. I took the time to brush my teeth, put on jeans, leopard flats and a cute hoodie and ran out the door with a banana in my purse. I'm lucky I have a bra on to be honest. For lunch I had a piece of garlic chicken pizza from Bellagio's pizza that my boss offered up and I gladly took advantage of since I a) didn't have time to find proper lunch to bring to work with me and b) I am super broke and cannot afford to go by something to eat. Although, that hasn't stopped me before...
No exercise yet because as I said I woke up late...as is normal for me. My friends and I are going to be signing up for a yoga class that will happen every Monday at 7:15.
My worries are:
I want to fit exercise into my life and still feel like I have plenty of social time
I want to eat healthier without feeling like I'm really missing out on something
I'm afraid I will feel like I'm not getting enough chocolate in my life
I'm scared of feeling like I'm boring
I need to focus on:
Knowing I will make it through this
Knowing I will be happier on the other side
Who cares what other people think as long as I'm happy
Eating healthier
EXERCISING!!!
Wish me luck....it begins NOW.
That was in the before time.
Today is the present. Today is 5 years after high school. Today I am overweight and unhappy. I don't like the way I look. I don't like the way I feel. I love shopping....but hate trying things on and finding out the things I love don't fit or don't look right on me or just aren't made for bigger women. I hate those stupid trendy stores in the mall that only serve to sizes 12 and under (if they even go that high). I hate the cute trends that I just can't participate in because I am simply too big for it to be flattering in any way (leggings as pants? Not with these cottage cheese thighs. Bangles? Not on my fat wrists.).
I want to be truly happy with myself. I love my personality and sometimes I even like the way I look. More often then not however, I hate my body. I have weird scars from when I was a baby that make my sides lumpier than they should be. My stomach is HUGE. My legs are thick, and not in a cute dancer kind of way. My arms are so jiggly it makes me sick to look at sometimes. Let's not even get started on the amount of stretch marks I've "grown" since my high school days and this double chin has got to go! Being happy with myself means other things have to change too. I need to pay off my credit card, move into a bigger space, save money, get health insurance, do something with my massive collection of shoes...
Why am I going on and on about the things I hate? I want to make it better. I want to love who I am all the way through. From my head down to my toes. I need to get my life in order and I want to do it right. I want to help others that feel the same way, or even just similar, if I can. That is why I decided to blog through it. Maybe it will help me feel more responsible to myself or something. Maybe it will be a good outlet for me to let off steam when things don't go my way. We all know that things are going to go wrong. Not because I am dooming myself, because it's life and things go wrong and it's a diet, and we all fall off the bandwagon from time to time.
Actually, let me clarify. I'll be calling it a diet and yes the name of this dandy blog is The Real Life Diet, but it's not a diet. It is a lifestyle change. It is me making better choices every day because I need to. In order for me to actually be happy with myself, I have to do this.
This is real. I am a real person documenting the real trials and tribulations of getting on track with being healthy. I need to know it can be done and the only way for me to do that is to DO IT. I know it can be done because others do it all the time. There are many inspirational bloggers out there going through the struggle right now, or have been through it and continue to live healthy fulfilling lives. That's not enough for me though. Inspiration is great but it's just not enough to keep me going. I've been needing this for so long and I know all of the things I need to do, I just don't.
My plan is to exercise daily at least a little bit. Eat healthier foods every day. Be honest with you about what I'm up to. This is going to be real. I am not going to leave out anything. This is going to be hard for me. I love chocolate. I need it in my every day life...but I can't have it like I want it. I don't like to get up in the mornings but I need to because it really is the only time I have open to go to the gym.
How about I stop rambling and get down to business?
Today, I had a banana on my way out the door. I woke up at 8:19. I'm supposed to leave the house at 8:10. I took the time to brush my teeth, put on jeans, leopard flats and a cute hoodie and ran out the door with a banana in my purse. I'm lucky I have a bra on to be honest. For lunch I had a piece of garlic chicken pizza from Bellagio's pizza that my boss offered up and I gladly took advantage of since I a) didn't have time to find proper lunch to bring to work with me and b) I am super broke and cannot afford to go by something to eat. Although, that hasn't stopped me before...
No exercise yet because as I said I woke up late...as is normal for me. My friends and I are going to be signing up for a yoga class that will happen every Monday at 7:15.
My worries are:
I want to fit exercise into my life and still feel like I have plenty of social time
I want to eat healthier without feeling like I'm really missing out on something
I'm afraid I will feel like I'm not getting enough chocolate in my life
I'm scared of feeling like I'm boring
I need to focus on:
Knowing I will make it through this
Knowing I will be happier on the other side
Who cares what other people think as long as I'm happy
Eating healthier
EXERCISING!!!
Wish me luck....it begins NOW.
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