Failing

I feel like I will never win. I want so badly to love my body and see it in prime shape but I just won't do whats needed. Went to ladies night after work last night. R bought brownies just for me. I had to eat at least one. I ate 3. And some bread with hummus and red pepper pesto spread. And some turkey. But thats it. Until I got home. And ate some air popped popcorn slathered in butter and salt. I feel sick just thinking about it actually. Today I feel on the verge of barfing at all times. I had my breakfast milk/chocolate/protien drink for breakfast and still have some pad thai in the fridge but I cant even think about that without feeling like I need a trip to the bathroom. I drank some water hoping it would make things better but it made them worse!

I'm terribly tired and kind of woozy. Jesus what if I have the swine flu?! I slept terribly last night. I got into bed with the wife (stop being a perv....we are just friends) around 11 and she fell asleep pretty fast but I just could not get to sleep. I kept rolling over and trying to get comfortable. Eventually I got up and went to the couch thinking that just maybe I needed to sleep alone to get some sleep. Somehow I fell asleep out there but I woke up every time I needed to turn over. When the wife woke up for work she came out and saw me on the couch. She tapped my shoulder and asked if I was ok or if I was mad at her. I have to laugh about it now. When I realized she wouldn't be going back in the bedroom I got up and laid in the bed. I set my alarm to wake me up at 7:40 instead of the 7:15 I usually strive for (but never attain). For that next hour I slept fitfully. Tossing and turning. Dreaming of strange, weird, wrong things I have never dreamt about before.

My alarm went off and I hit the snooze until it decided I wasn't going to get up and stopped going off. In the next 10 minutes I had the most fucked up dream I have ever dreamt in my entire life. I'm not sure how my brain came up with so much in such a small amount of time....but it kind of scares me. There was hostageness, dead bodies, running, strange scary men in a strange scary building in the middle of a strange scary field with all these people that I dont know. The last think I remember is hugging my phone and saying my phone means love to me. Which is sadly, very true.

Why am I having messed up dreams? Why can't I sleep? Why do I feel full even though I haven't eaten any food at all today? I'm gonna go ahead and assume it can all be attributed to my bad diet and lack of exercise. Can I maybe try working out and eating healthier? That would be great mmmmk?