Fail

Not such a good day yesterday. Mental break down in the morning. Work all day. Go home and asked the ex to come over and talk because of my meltdown. Cancel plans with a nice guy that I'm totally not interested in to meet with ex at my house. Tell him to move his things out and that he can't keep coming over and seeing me because it's messing with my emotions then backtrack and decide I don't care and he can still come over because I really do still love him and I want to be with him even if he is a big effing moron. Have amazing, awesome, great, perfect sex with the ex. He leaves. Tell the wife the coast is clear and she can come over to smoke and hang out. Change the sheets, put clothes back on, clean a little.

Wife gets to the house and we smoke and I eat. 4 pieces of toast. 2 with just butter and 2 with butter and cinnamon sugar. So good. Then have an ice cream bar. Nice and healthy.

The part that really makes it a bad day...Before I asked the ex to come "talk" I was home alone. No one there but me and my tiny little pet frogs. I walked into the bathroom and cleaned the toilet as best as I could, kneeled down in front of it and proceeded to stick my finger down my throat. Nothing happened. I gagged a little but nothing came out. Nothing. Maybe it's because I had only had a small bowl of Thai hours ago and it had already passed the point of return. Maybe I just can't make myself throw up. I'm incapable of being bulimic.

I've had the thought in my head for a long time now. A few years. If I just throw everything up I can still eat whatever I want while getting minimal calories. If I do that and do some body sculpting yoga I should be able to drop weight and tone up in no time...right? I tell myself it would be temporary. I know exactly how bad of a disease this is. I've had more then one friend go through this. I even did a report on the dangers of binging and purging in middle school. But now that I'm fat and uncomfortable with myself and single....I just want so badly to look good. I know there are better ways. I know the healthy thing to do. But I can't seem to make myself do it. At the same time....I really tried yesterday and nothing came of it. I know I'm going to try again. But it will be after a Burger King run or something. Not hours after my last meal because that just doesn't work. I wish I could honestly say that I'm never going to do it again. That I shouldn't even think about it any more but how can I? The thought is in my head. It really is about the power. If I can do it....if I can make it work....I think I really will be happy. Am I deranged? Possibly, but I guess that's how this starts.

So much for dieting. I've thought to myself before that I should be anorexic to lose weight but I know that starving yourself makes your body hold on to its fat stores and I can't help loving food. I need it. But lately I haven't been eating at all during the day and then binging big time at night. If I just cut out the binging....Or got rid of it....

I feel like I'm crazy but I'm really talking myself into this. I'm making it seem logical and right when I know that it is so wrong. The real problem is....I don't care any more. I just dont.