Starting tomorrow

My friend and I have gotten on the fitness ship together. We don't live together but we have decided to get up at the same time and work out before we each go to work. She has a 1 year old son and she has to get up early anyway. The deal is, I set my alarm for 5:30. Get up, go to the gym, come home, shower and get ready for work. Leaving the house around 8:12 (random, but it's the time that gets me to work when I want). She will set her alarm for 5, getting up around 5:30. We will text each other to make sure the other is actually up and working out. This will place dependability on each of us and hopefully really kick our butts into gear. I am so tired of being a skinny girl trapped inside of a big girl. I'm average size (16) but I feel like a cow. I read a Kate Moss quote the other day...apparently she has gotten a lot of flack over it and it was taken out of context, but it really hits home for me. "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" I feel like that is so true. I can't wait to fit. I certainly don't want to be like Kate Moss. She is far too skinny. I'm hoping for something around a size 8 and a weight of 130ish. Thats a perfectly healthy weight for my height. I want so badly to wear a swimsuit and feel good in it. I don't want to be left out of trends because I'm simply too big for them to look good on me. I want to wear mini skirts and mini dresses and leggings as pants with heels and I want heads to turn when I walk by. In a good way, not in a "that big girl has a pretty face" kind of way. I can't keep living like this. I want to be happy.

After my break up I figured out that I am absolutely perfect as a person, aside from my health. My health is the only thing holding me back in my life. I can't let it keep doing that.

So thats that.

Still moving along

Missed yoga again last night. Because I didn't feel like it. I've been really down lately. I made the wife go sleep at her own house because I just needed some time to myself. I don't want to be around people or do anything. Of course the first night she was gone the ex came to stay the night. I wore sexy clothes for him and we had fun but every time he talked about his life and the things he's doing now it just made me sad. I actually cried a little. The next night it was just me, alone. Skipping yoga. Last night it was me, alone. I didn't even really watch tv. I just read some blogs online and then went to bed. Of course I watched some south park before falling asleep. It was really nice to get up this morning and shower and walk around with just a towel on my head while getting ready this morning. I like my morning routine but I can't do it when the wife is there. Well, she gets up and leaves before I ever get up so I guess thats not really the problem is it? I guess I really just needed some time alone. It's only been 3 days and I'm already coming out of my funk. Thank freakin god. I don't like being sad all the time. I don't want to always stay busy and high so Im not thinking about my life. I need to think about my life and figure out what it is I really want. What I really want is to be healthy. I have a gym membership. Why don't I use it? I want to get up before work and go to the gym but I have insomnia so I dont sleep which makes it hard to get up on time, let alone getting up early to go to the gym. I need to though. I like to do things after work, and I know from experience that working out in the morning feels great. I have plenty of time to get ready for work. I'm alert and the endorphines make me chipper. The problem is getting out of bed and going. I want to say if I get out of bed I would be good to go. But I know thats not true either. I get up at 6 and 7 all the time and just go pee and crawl back into bed. I need some way to actually get up. How can I get out of my bed? How can I actually wake up when my alarm goes off? I have to figure it out. If I dont start getting into shape I'm going to lose myself. I know that to really be truly happy with myself, I have to get into shape. That is the only thing I don't like about myself. I love my personality, my humor, my heart, me. But I hate my body. I really do. and a lot of my clothes are to small for me. I want to feel good about my body. Feel confident. I want that.
Life is hard. They sure dont prepare you for this in school. They need to start teaching kids about real life. Balancing checkbooks, making budgets and not just making them but somehow really doing it, every month. Like giving them fake money to spend how they please but giving them bills the have to pay. Evicting them if they dont. Something. Showing them the imprtance of working out. Gym class isnt really doing anyone any good. Real skills. Management, money handling, skills people need to get real jobs. I just feel like I'm not at all prepared for this life and I know there are other people out there that feel the same way. Ugh.

Life

Missed yoga last night because I was sick. Might go to the gym after work to make up for it. We'll see how I feel. Haven't thrown up again. Life has been rude to me. Stealing my money and making me cry. Wife is going through a hard time and its hard for me to be there for her the way she needs me to be because of all the things I'm feeling and going through. I just want to get to the happy part of life. I know its not going to ever be good 24/7 but it can be good more often than it is now. I just want to feel real happiness again. I dont want to think about my ex. I dont want to hate my body.

Tuesday

I had a long weekend. Monday was a holiday so I didn't have to come in to work. I thought about purging all weekend long but didn't do it except for the times I already blogged about. I went to lunch with my mom yesterday and went to the bathroom after. I stood in front of the toilet and stuck my fingers down my throat and then bent over but I couldn't go through with it. I just walked away. Last night we ordered pizza and bread sticks and soda. I ate 2 pieces and 2 bread sticks and a couple extra bites of each. I was stuffed. I kept think about going to throw it up but for some reason if someone else is around I just can't do it. I don't feel like I've got the hang of it enough (because I don't) to do it when someone is around. Even if I know that person does the same thing. So I didn't do it. Even after the wife fell asleep I thought about getting up and throwing up but I was so scared she would wake up and hear me. After laying in bed for a couple hours without falling asleep I moved to the living room to sleep on the couch. But sleep never came. I tossed and turned all night thinking that I was sure I would sleep better if only I were in bed next to my ex. What an annoying thing to think about. I fell asleep for a little bit here and there. Then I'm laying there staring at the ceiling and the wife comes out and asks if I'm ok. I say yes and she says the bed is much more comfy and I should come back. I say I will and she goes back to sleep. I stay there. Just thinking and staring. She comes out again and asks why I'm still up. I look at my phone and it's been an hour since she was last out here. I spent an hour staring instead of sleeping. I miss sleep.
She left for work and I tried sleeping in the bed. I turned the fan on. I took my clothes off because that's how I slept with my ex. I had to get up and latch the screen door in the back because it was swinging around in the wind and bashing into a rock making loud noises and making it impossible to sleep. Finally it was silent and I slept. For just over an hour. And then I woke up with no time to shower.
Grabbed a half eaten slice of pizza to bring with me to work for lunch because I'm classy like that and a cup of soda to drink on the way to work. I didn't finish it. I had a cup of coffee mixed with caramel hot coco while at work and found out it easily curbed the hunger of not eating breakfast. Although that feeling is wearing off quickly. I'll need that slice of pizza soon...
I was thinking earlier about my "research" of bulimia last week. I kept remembering that depression was referred to as a symptom of bulimia. That is so wrong. It is not a symptom. You don't go from being happy to throwing up and then being depressed because you're throwing up (or binge eating, or obsessively exercising). You go from being happy to being depressed to throwing up. Bulimia doesn't make you depressed. Depression is not a symptom. Depression is a cause. Being depressed causes you to think unhealthy thoughts like the ones I'm having that throwing up your food is a good idea. I know the thoughts are "wrong" or whatever but I can't help it. I don't feel the need to ask for help because I don't need it. I already know that it's "wrong" but it's not like I'm actually doing it. I keep chickening out. So no biggie right?
On top of all that me and a couple friends started our yoga sculpt class yesterday and it is no joke. I felt like death and today my legs are sore. Which is good. Maybe if the yoga helps enough I wont feel the need to purge so often...

I feel sad, lonely, tired, and gassy. Sounds like the makings of a great day huh?

Fail

Not such a good day yesterday. Mental break down in the morning. Work all day. Go home and asked the ex to come over and talk because of my meltdown. Cancel plans with a nice guy that I'm totally not interested in to meet with ex at my house. Tell him to move his things out and that he can't keep coming over and seeing me because it's messing with my emotions then backtrack and decide I don't care and he can still come over because I really do still love him and I want to be with him even if he is a big effing moron. Have amazing, awesome, great, perfect sex with the ex. He leaves. Tell the wife the coast is clear and she can come over to smoke and hang out. Change the sheets, put clothes back on, clean a little.

Wife gets to the house and we smoke and I eat. 4 pieces of toast. 2 with just butter and 2 with butter and cinnamon sugar. So good. Then have an ice cream bar. Nice and healthy.

The part that really makes it a bad day...Before I asked the ex to come "talk" I was home alone. No one there but me and my tiny little pet frogs. I walked into the bathroom and cleaned the toilet as best as I could, kneeled down in front of it and proceeded to stick my finger down my throat. Nothing happened. I gagged a little but nothing came out. Nothing. Maybe it's because I had only had a small bowl of Thai hours ago and it had already passed the point of return. Maybe I just can't make myself throw up. I'm incapable of being bulimic.

I've had the thought in my head for a long time now. A few years. If I just throw everything up I can still eat whatever I want while getting minimal calories. If I do that and do some body sculpting yoga I should be able to drop weight and tone up in no time...right? I tell myself it would be temporary. I know exactly how bad of a disease this is. I've had more then one friend go through this. I even did a report on the dangers of binging and purging in middle school. But now that I'm fat and uncomfortable with myself and single....I just want so badly to look good. I know there are better ways. I know the healthy thing to do. But I can't seem to make myself do it. At the same time....I really tried yesterday and nothing came of it. I know I'm going to try again. But it will be after a Burger King run or something. Not hours after my last meal because that just doesn't work. I wish I could honestly say that I'm never going to do it again. That I shouldn't even think about it any more but how can I? The thought is in my head. It really is about the power. If I can do it....if I can make it work....I think I really will be happy. Am I deranged? Possibly, but I guess that's how this starts.

So much for dieting. I've thought to myself before that I should be anorexic to lose weight but I know that starving yourself makes your body hold on to its fat stores and I can't help loving food. I need it. But lately I haven't been eating at all during the day and then binging big time at night. If I just cut out the binging....Or got rid of it....

I feel like I'm crazy but I'm really talking myself into this. I'm making it seem logical and right when I know that it is so wrong. The real problem is....I don't care any more. I just dont.

All bad

Yesterday was so not a good day.Today however I have had an epiphany. I think I may be lactose-intolerant. I realized I have a glass of milk every day and every day I am gassy and not to be all graphic I do end up in the bathroom a lot. On weekends, I DON'T have a glass of milk for breakfast and I'm not gassy! Why on earth has it taken me this long to figure this out?? Oh well, at least now I know. I'll cut my milk out and we'll see how my body reacts. I should be a doctor. Ha. Not.

So yesterday I had my milk protein thing, and then I had a small bowl of my leftover pad thai for lunch. And then another small bowl around 3. I thought about only writing about one of those bowls of pad thai but I know that this is supposed to be all truth and the truth is I'm a damn pig. I'm so disgusted with myself. Oh, let me continue before you tell me to not be so hard on myself. After work I went home and hung out with the wife. I had some sunflower seeds. We smoked. I tried so hard to fight off the munchies. I ended up making a grilled cheese samich. (hey, I hadn't figured out the lactose thing yet so gimmie a break here) It was delicious. Of course, when you're high everything is delicious. Then we watched tv. And decided to go to Burger King. Ugh. I got a cheeseburger, a medium fry, a large soda (that I didn't even half finish), a slice of pie AND a chocolate milkshake (which I did not finish). So I spent money I didn't have and ate food I shouldn't have eaten until I was uncomfortably full and of course I didn't do any kind of exercise at all yesterday. On the bright side the trip to Burger King was HYSTERICAL! We laughed so hard we were crying. It was good times.

On top of everything else, my ex was texting me last night. Asking to come over for some good good lovin. I want it. I want it bad...here's the problem. he's my ex. Who I am still madly in love with. And also the last guy that gave me some lovin left some extra ugly bruises on my assets if you know what I mean and I don't really want the love of my life to see those bruises. This ex of mine....

I had a mini meltdown this morning. I dreamt about this damn man all night long and when I woke up I missed him so badly. I started crying and didn't stop until I was dressed. And yes, I showered this morning. So that's a lot of crying. Somehow I managed to get some make up on my face and headed to work, with a cup of milk in my hand. Then I had my little epiphany and drank my milk anyway. Now I'm at work, being productive as you can tell from the fact that I'm posting this and I'm still clinging to the thought of my ex and deciding how I should tell him that I just can't have him in my life right now if he's not going to be with me. It's just too much to see him and talk to him and know that I can't be with him and it's only because he is a dumbass. I seriously hate this stupid break up thing. We were together for....our 2 year anniversary would be this month actually. He left me May 16th. I've been a wreck ever since. I just want to be normal again. I want to feel happy again. I know we weren;t together for a super long time but it was an intense, deep love. I thought he was the one. I thought we would be together forever. Now I'm alone and fat and I won't do what I need to do in order to lose weight and be happy with myself. I really need to get off my fucking ass and do what needs to be done. I just can't live like this any longer.