It's really begun

I don't really know what to think. I just got done looking up tips on bulimia on google. I googled how to be a better bulimic. Of course almost everything said don't do it, you'll die, it's terrible, blah blah blah. But there was one site with a whole list of things to do to make it all easier. Drink soda while binging. Drink a cup of water before purging. Stand up while purging. Am I really saying these things? reading these things? Doing these things?

Yes.

This weekend it truly began. Last night the wife and I had a couple guys over. I wasn't really into the guy at all. I mean he was funny and good looking but even with how high we were it wasn't enough for me to get over his annoyingness. I feigned a stomach ache but he kept trying. He never kissed me or anything but always seemed mad when I said I didn't feel good and didn't want to be touched. Eventually after trying to get him away from me...off my own god damn bed I ran into the bathroom and closed the door so I could pretend to be sick. I leaned over the sink and thought about how to get out of all of this. I really did feel sick but this guy was not getting it. The wife eventually came to the bathroom to check on me. She told me if I felt like throwing up then I should make myself. I should just get it over with so I could start feeling better and come back to hanging out. I closed the door and kneeled in front of the toilet. I stuck my fingers down my throat and held them there until something actually came up. I did it. I opened my eyes and looked in the bowl. I had really done it. And I did it again. I couldn't do it any more even though I wanted to.

This was before my research today. Now I know better. I should have been standing, not kneeling. I should have drank a cup of water before starting. I should not have brushed my teeth when I was done. Instead I should have rinsed with water and then mouth wash. But I didn't know better, and as I was brushing my teether that guy just opened the door and walked right in. He started rubbing on me from behind...saying he's glad I "got it up" because surly I would feel better now. He got very gropey. I didn't stop brushing my teeth when he rubbed my butt, or moved his hand onto my breast. I am pretty sure I rolled my eyes. I walked away from him. Left the bathroom and got a glass of water. I looked sick. My cheeks were flushed and my eyes were all red from smoking and purging. And he was still trying to grope me. Rub on me. Ick. I couldn't believe it. The wife noticed me not feeling well and told me I should go lie down. Shortly after I did her and the guys left. She dropped off gropey pants and went to eat with the other guy. While I laid in bed contemplating what had just happened.

Today...Today we had pizza, sunflower seeds, M&M's and rice with cream of chicken gravy sauce. Then the wife fell asleep and I went to mcdonalds. I bought and ate a double cheeseburger, a large fry, 2 of 3 cookies and some of an oreo mcflurry. And then I went to the bathroom and tried to get rid of it all. I didn't get all of it. Not by a long shot. But I got more then I have before. I'm getting better. Well, not better...More experienced? I dont know. I still don't know how I feel about this whole thing. I want to lose weight. I already am a binge eater. Why not add purging so I don't gain more weight? Yoga should start tomorrow...So I lose weight, tone up...and go back to normal. I don't have to stay bulimic. It's a temporary solution to a permenant problem. Isn't that the same thing they say about suicide? Great...that can not bode well.

I'm contemplating throwing up before taking my shower. But only because I feel like there is too much inside of me. Like if I burp too hard it will all come out anyway. Why not take control and get rid of the nagging feeling in my throat?