How my finances taught me about my health

I've been heavily focusing on my finances as of late. Which is probably due to the fact that a little over 6 months ago I was unemployed and extremely depressed about the lack of future I saw for myself. When I got a job I was so excited to be able to get myself back on my feet and paying my bills on my own again. No more mooching off my family or boyfriend. I miss the way I felt about life when I was working at my former office. Life hasn't been the same since I left that job. And for a long time I thought I was doomed forever financially. 

Then I got a new job and things started looking up, so I thought. I was part of a group outside of work that focused on growing personal wealth and examining our pasts and thoughts about money and wealth in general. Through this group I started tracking my spending. In the easiest way possible: my check register. I balanced my checkbook often. I needed to know exactly how much money was in my bank because I was so far behind on my bills. I spent the first few months of my newfound employment feeling like I was just as broke as before. The only difference was now I was paying my bills (and on time!) with my own money, not someone else's. When I got to the point that everything was caught up I started focusing on the things I needed to save up for. I wrote everything out for the year. All the events coming up that I knew I wanted to be a part of or had already committed to. There's the music festivals I want to go to twice a year, my cousins wedding in October, a fun birthday trip, my bestie coming to visit from Florida, Christmas money. So much to save for! I did the math for each and every event. I planned a budget and figured out how much I would need to put away each paycheck to cover these things. I was finally making money, and I was putting it away to do things I love, but then I'm left with nothing in the bank, again. Ugh.

I started listening to investing podcasts. I needed to find a way to save for the long term while still having something in the short term. With these podcasts, my dreams started to feel completely possible. But... I needed to really see where I was standing and I needed more than just a balanced checkbook to see that. So I downloaded the "Mint" app (recommended by one podcast) and put everything I could into it. I connected my bank accounts to track my spending. With my check register I could see my balance and go through it to see where my money was going. With the app, it gave me a graph and I could see just what percentage of my paycheck was going towards food and gas and everything else. I connected my credit cards. That was scary because it lays it all out there. There's all my debt, staring me in the face. But it's actually not too bad. And knowing exactly where I am with it helps me keep my eye on the prize. The prize of paying off my credit cards. Then I did the scariest part....I used to app to check my credit score. Oof. Not good. Really bad in fact. 

Even though it felt bad, and I started to feel the real weight of my debts and past decisions, it was nice to have everything right there in my face. An easy at a glance look to show me how I'm doing with my money. Having it all in my face makes it easier for me to stay on track with my goals monetarily. Looking at it often keeps it in the front of my mind and it's easier to not buy a coffee or lunch at work because I know what I'm saving for and what I really have available. Slowly but surely, I am crawling my way out of the deepest financial hole I've been in and I love how easy it is to visualize with proper tracking.

The only thing in my life that I'm unhappy with at this point is my weight and overall health. I've lost weight and gained it back a few times in the time since graduating high school and now I'm at the heaviest I've ever been. I feel disgusting. None of my clothes fit and I'm in the biggest size I've ever worn. I've let it go too far. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and that's a damn shame because I love myself. I think I'm awesome and I'm so excited for my future. But I want to feel good when I see myself. I want to feel like I'm really presenting my best self to the world. I want most of all to finally tackle this problem. I felt so fit when I moved back from Florida and I want that back. 

So I downloaded the "MyFitnessPal" app yesterday. I've been trying to track my food and exercise in a journal. My cousin, who is a personal trainer, is checking in with me every week to help with the accountability thing in this fitness journey I'm on. The journal thing just wasn't working for me. I love the journal itself. It's all bright and cute and personalized. Sometimes I forget to take it with me everywhere I go or I decide I don't need to take it everywhere and I'll just fill it in at night. But then I forget some of the things I've eaten, and I don't write in it and then I'm back at the beginning. Shoulding all over myself about the damn journal and having no real idea of what I've put in my body for another day.

I thought to myself, if tracking my money with an app has helped me so much, maybe using an app for my fitness will help too. If it doesn't help, I stay right where I am until I find something that does right? Well the app is awesome. It's easy to use and easy to set up. My boyfriend and I went out to eat, and the sandwich I had was in the system already and so easy to find. We made stuffing with dinner at home and all I had to do was scan the barcode on the box of stuffing and BAM! The info is there. All in all, I had a 3000 calorie day yesterday. That is disgusting. No wonder my clothes don't fit! When I completed yesterdays "diary" entry it said "If every day were like today..." and then told me how much I would weigh this time next week if I kept going at that rate. It said I would gain 7 pounds. Holy hell!!!

When I set the app up, it asked me how much I wanted to lose overall and at what rate (the highest rate being 2 lbs. per week which it advised me not to start with such an aggressive goal but I ignored that advice because I'm in a wedding soon and I calculated that losing 2 pounds a week will put me at my goal by Christmas so there!) and the app created a daily calorie count goal in order to achieve my goal. When I add exercise, the calorie count goes up which is nice because on this second day of tracking I'm seeing how much I'm really consuming and I need to chill the eff out. When I was at my most fit in Florida, I was eating a lot of salad and I see that happening again. No more of these big extravagant dinners with my boyfriend and no more late night brownie snacks. 

Don't get me wrong. I know I can't deprive myself. I know how easy it is to gain it all back. Boy do I know! I really think this app will help me because it puts everything at the tip of my fingers. I always have my phone with me. When I can see exactly where I am, it makes it easier to make better choices throughout the day. If I'm running out of calories but I'm starving, I can add in some exercise and then I'm balancing things better. I know there will be days that I go crazy. My boyfriend and I like to eat and we like to eat good food. But we also like to cook and playing with new healthier recipes will be fun (you can add recipes from online or your own into the system to calculate the nutritional values easily). It may take a little work while I set things up in the beginning but I believe the payoff will be great. According to the reviews of the app, I'm not wrong. It makes you think more about what you're eating because when you log it you see how much it's really costing you. Data is powerful.

Apps that use my real life info to track my progress make the daunting tasks feel more like games and easier to visualize real progress. 

I know this entry is a little jumbled and wordy, but I needed to get something out. I need to feel like I'm doing something....something more. So here it is. Progress is coming!

So....

I started reading The Secret. I gotta tell ya, I'm loving it. My mind set has completely shifted. I am positive, happy and slightly irritating for those around me. My roomie is totally irritated but it's already working and she can't even deny it. Here's the deal: The Secret is all about thinking your dreams into reality. Manifestation. Making what you want happen. Realizing the power of your own thoughts. Think of what you want and it will be. Believe it already is and it will be.
One day the roomie tested me. She said "If you're going to manifest at least manifest us some free pot!" Of course she was joking but I did. I thought about it. About having it and how it would smell, feel, taste, look, every detail. A couple days later, there it was. A pile of free pot for us. Thinking about having money, being able to pay my bills, feeling the way I feel when my bills are all paid and I have no worries has brought more money to me. A can full of change I forgot I even had (with over $100 in it), my first Christmas bonus ($200), and bonuses for things at work that I would have done for no extra money but instead will get a few more hundred bucks. I am excited to see all the things that are possible. Anything is possible and it's all about finding out what I really want, what I really need and what really makes me happy. Guess what? What makes me really happy, is already in my life. Try this when you feel down: Think of all the things you are grateful for. Everything. I have working legs, arms, lungs. My heart pumps my blood perfectly. My friends are awesome. I have my own house. I own my own car outright. The heater in my home works and if it doesnt work enough I have a ton of warm blankies to keep me warm. I have my perfect phone. I have 2 tv's and a stereo. I have furniture and food to eat and cups to drink out of. Clean water comes out of my faucet so I can drink any time I want. I can take hot showers every day. I get to put on make up that I love. I get to choose what to wear every day of my life. I have the best job on the planet at the best company on the planet. My company really makes a difference in this world. I have never broken a bone. I got rid of that pesky appendix that no one really needs and made room for more positive energy to flow through me.
Am I sounding ridiculous? I don't care, because it makes me happy to think of all the awesome things I have and have access to. I am so blessed and I am now making sure to thank the universe every day for all the awesomeness it provides me. Maybe to you I sound kookoo, but maybe YOU should give it a try. Before you go to bed every night go through your mind and think of all the things you are grateful to have in your life. Your legs work?? Thats awesome! You have all your fingers?? Omg woohoo!! You have a home and a bed to sleep in every night?? Sweet!! You have a toaster AND a microwave?!? Life couldn't get better.
Try it. See if it doesnt make you feel just a little better about your life just the way it is. Now envision how you want it to be. Make sure to pay attention to the details. The way your perfect sheets feel when you lay on them, the way the air feels on your perfect cruise vacation, the way your perfect pet makes you feel. Feel the way you would feel if you had exactly what you want and it will come because you feel like you have it so why wouldn't it come?
Just try it.

well...

Guess who hasn't gotten up and worked out before work like she planned on doing?

That's right, this chick. Damn it. I hate this. A co-worker was talking about a healing technique called EFT and I think I'm going to look into it a little more. From what I heard it can help with motivation and crazvings. Two of my major problems.

Im so tired of this crap. I suck. I don't know how people do it. How do you get up and work out in the mornings? How do you make time to work out every day? I mean, once you get into a routine I'm sure it's a little easier...but how do you get that routine started? Thats my problem. Starting.

Oh well. Another day, another try.

Starting tomorrow

My friend and I have gotten on the fitness ship together. We don't live together but we have decided to get up at the same time and work out before we each go to work. She has a 1 year old son and she has to get up early anyway. The deal is, I set my alarm for 5:30. Get up, go to the gym, come home, shower and get ready for work. Leaving the house around 8:12 (random, but it's the time that gets me to work when I want). She will set her alarm for 5, getting up around 5:30. We will text each other to make sure the other is actually up and working out. This will place dependability on each of us and hopefully really kick our butts into gear. I am so tired of being a skinny girl trapped inside of a big girl. I'm average size (16) but I feel like a cow. I read a Kate Moss quote the other day...apparently she has gotten a lot of flack over it and it was taken out of context, but it really hits home for me. "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" I feel like that is so true. I can't wait to fit. I certainly don't want to be like Kate Moss. She is far too skinny. I'm hoping for something around a size 8 and a weight of 130ish. Thats a perfectly healthy weight for my height. I want so badly to wear a swimsuit and feel good in it. I don't want to be left out of trends because I'm simply too big for them to look good on me. I want to wear mini skirts and mini dresses and leggings as pants with heels and I want heads to turn when I walk by. In a good way, not in a "that big girl has a pretty face" kind of way. I can't keep living like this. I want to be happy.

After my break up I figured out that I am absolutely perfect as a person, aside from my health. My health is the only thing holding me back in my life. I can't let it keep doing that.

So thats that.

nope

not eating healthy. not exercising. life sucks. I want to look good damn it! But I just cant seem to do what it takes to make that happen. Suck.

Still moving along

Missed yoga again last night. Because I didn't feel like it. I've been really down lately. I made the wife go sleep at her own house because I just needed some time to myself. I don't want to be around people or do anything. Of course the first night she was gone the ex came to stay the night. I wore sexy clothes for him and we had fun but every time he talked about his life and the things he's doing now it just made me sad. I actually cried a little. The next night it was just me, alone. Skipping yoga. Last night it was me, alone. I didn't even really watch tv. I just read some blogs online and then went to bed. Of course I watched some south park before falling asleep. It was really nice to get up this morning and shower and walk around with just a towel on my head while getting ready this morning. I like my morning routine but I can't do it when the wife is there. Well, she gets up and leaves before I ever get up so I guess thats not really the problem is it? I guess I really just needed some time alone. It's only been 3 days and I'm already coming out of my funk. Thank freakin god. I don't like being sad all the time. I don't want to always stay busy and high so Im not thinking about my life. I need to think about my life and figure out what it is I really want. What I really want is to be healthy. I have a gym membership. Why don't I use it? I want to get up before work and go to the gym but I have insomnia so I dont sleep which makes it hard to get up on time, let alone getting up early to go to the gym. I need to though. I like to do things after work, and I know from experience that working out in the morning feels great. I have plenty of time to get ready for work. I'm alert and the endorphines make me chipper. The problem is getting out of bed and going. I want to say if I get out of bed I would be good to go. But I know thats not true either. I get up at 6 and 7 all the time and just go pee and crawl back into bed. I need some way to actually get up. How can I get out of my bed? How can I actually wake up when my alarm goes off? I have to figure it out. If I dont start getting into shape I'm going to lose myself. I know that to really be truly happy with myself, I have to get into shape. That is the only thing I don't like about myself. I love my personality, my humor, my heart, me. But I hate my body. I really do. and a lot of my clothes are to small for me. I want to feel good about my body. Feel confident. I want that.
Life is hard. They sure dont prepare you for this in school. They need to start teaching kids about real life. Balancing checkbooks, making budgets and not just making them but somehow really doing it, every month. Like giving them fake money to spend how they please but giving them bills the have to pay. Evicting them if they dont. Something. Showing them the imprtance of working out. Gym class isnt really doing anyone any good. Real skills. Management, money handling, skills people need to get real jobs. I just feel like I'm not at all prepared for this life and I know there are other people out there that feel the same way. Ugh.

Life

Missed yoga last night because I was sick. Might go to the gym after work to make up for it. We'll see how I feel. Haven't thrown up again. Life has been rude to me. Stealing my money and making me cry. Wife is going through a hard time and its hard for me to be there for her the way she needs me to be because of all the things I'm feeling and going through. I just want to get to the happy part of life. I know its not going to ever be good 24/7 but it can be good more often than it is now. I just want to feel real happiness again. I dont want to think about my ex. I dont want to hate my body.